Helm13 AssassinsMathew

13 Assassins

Four point five Flamers4.5 flamers

2010, Sedic International/Asahi Broadcasting Corporation. Directed by Takashi Miike. Running time: 141 minutes. Rated R. Starring: Kôji Yakusho, Takayuki Yamada and Yûsuke Iseya.

Helm: A solid, enjoyable film fueled by bloody violence and the brutal poetry of death.

Mathew: Nicely said, Helm. I think I'll steal that "brutal poetry of death" line when I'm telling my friends about this film.

Helm: T'will sound pretentious coming from you. And, what friends? Do you mean your harlot? She will not appreciate this roaring bloodbath.

Mathew: So it's going to be like that, is it? You always get all pissy after you watch a film about honorable warriors facing insurmountable odds in a battle against evil, you know that?

Helm: Such films make me pine for my last Valhalladrim.

Mathew: Okay. Let's get back to the movie, shall we? I thought it was awesome. Great cinematography, great performances, awesome fight choreography and well-crafted, intelligent characters and plotting. I love to see Samurai facing off against each other. Those guys were cool.

Helm: Agreed. Unlike you.

Mathew: The english audio track on the DVD isn't very good--it really takes you out of the movie if you try to watch with it on. You can tell the filmmakers tried hard to make the english audio match up with the lip movements, but that means everybody talks in these weird, choppy rhythms. Go with the english subtitles over the Japanese audio track and you'll enjoy the movie a lot more.

Helm: Agreed. I was surprised you could keep up with the reading, given your substandard intelligence.

Mathew: The beginning is maybe a tiny touch slow. It's still very watchable, but the real fighting doesn't kick in for a while. If you go in expecting to see butt kicking right off the bat, you might be a little dissapointed. But it's well worth the wait when the fighting starts in earnest.

Helm: Agreed. And you are more than a tiny touch slow.

Mathew: Pretty much everybody in this film is ugly. Especially the women.

Helm: What?

Mathew: It's true, Helm. Almost everybody in this film is pretty unattractive. There's only one good looking guy and he's the bad guy. And there's one woman who is maybe partly okay looking, but it's hard to tell through her crazy Japanese makeup.

Helm: And what bearing does this have on the quality of the film?

Mathew: Well, I'm just saying, it might have been a little more fun to watch if it had someone like Megan Fox in it. Like, if she could act. And, I guess, if she was Japanese.

helmFive FlamersFive Flaming Swords!!

mathewFour FlamersFour Flaming Swords!!

Helm: You are a genius of stupidity.

Mathew: Okay, maybe not Megan Fox. What about Rosie Huntington-Whiteley?