John Dies At The End and

This Book Is Full Of Spiders

Five Flamers5 flamers

Written by David Wong
Published by Thomas Dunne Books

Mathew: So, this is our first book review on the Flaming Sword, and we thought we'd kick it off with a double doozie!

Helm: We have not previously reviewed any books simply because Mathew had not made me aware that there was such a thing as an eBook. You see, I cannot turn the pages of a physical book to read it, but I can pluck the pages of an eBook from the ether much the same way I can receive the electronic impulses that make up a person's thoughts.

Mathew: Yeah, Helm, whatever. You're boring the people. I'm sure they don't care how book reading works for you. Let's get on to these tasty books!

Helm: You should not project your own lack of curiosity and wonder onto others. You are a singularly unimaginative and shallow fellow.

Mathew: Thanks, Helm. Thanks for that. But let's get to the book reviewing. These two books we're reviewing today are so totally awesome that you should go buy both of them right now if you don't already own them.

Helm: For once, I agree with you whole heartedly. These two books are well worth your time and the price.

Mathew: WARNING!!! They are not for everybody! Don't read these books unless you like shudder-inducing horror, crude (often bodily function based) humor and insane, mind-bending ideas and action! These books are like regular horror stories on a super-funny acid trip and they may be damaging to children and people who are already insane.

Helm: I thought these books were superb. Yes, there are crude references and graphic moments of bloody violence, but they are also hilarious and disturbing in equal measure. You can open either of these books to any page, read any passage and encounter something either hilarious or disturbing.

Mathew: Also, the first of the series, "John Dies at the End" has been turned into a pretty fine movie by one of my favorite directors, Don Coscarelli. In case you're an absolute dumbass, he's the guy who directed "The BeastMaster" which is one of the greatest films of all time.

Helm: "The BeastMaster" is not one of the greatest films of all time.

Mathew: Yes it is.

Helm: No, it is not.

Mathew: Yes it is.

Helm: No, it is not.

Mathew: Yes it is.

Helm: No, it is not.

Mathew: Yes it is, to infinity.

Helm: Well, that clearly settles things in your favor. I guess no further discussion is possible.

Mathew: Dang straight.

Helm: Then can we return to our book review?

Mathew: Of course. These books are AWESOME! Get them!

Helm: Yes. Both are fast-paced but substantial books that can easily be described as page-turners. They feature well developed and engaging characters, many of whom die in explosions of viscera.

Mathew: Which is AWESOME! The guy who wrote them is also the editor of Cracked Magazine, for God's sake! Here's the link: http://www.cracked.com/

Helm: Yes. Anything else?

Mathew: Yes! These books are AWESOME!

Helm: They are, at least, very entertaining.

helmFive Flamers Five Flaming Swords!!

MathewFive FlamersFive Flaming Swords!!

Mathew: I still have to sleep with the light on since I finished reading these books.

Helm: You were ever a coward.