2011, Universal Pictures. Directed by Tim Hill. Running time: 90 minutes. PG. Starring: James Marsden, Russell Brand.
Helm: Why did you take me to this film? I understand that it may have appealed to you because it is a film aimed at children and you are a sniveling child, but why did you bring me?
Mathew: Well, because it's got the Easter Bunny in it.
Mathew: And I thought it would be fun for you because, you know, you can relate to it.
Helm: I related to it as 90 minutes of boring agony. Were you imagining the relationship would take some other form?
Mathew: Well... You're kind of like the Easter Bunny, so I thought you'd like the movie.
Helm: I am like the Easter Bunny?
Mathew: You know, the Easter Bunny is a mythical creature and you're a mythical helmet. Duh.
Helm: I do not believe that you properly understand the definition of the word mythical.
Mathew: Sure I do. It means, like... you know, magical and originating in the mist shrouded legends of the elder days and stuff.
Helm: No it does not. It means without foundation in fact; imaginary; fictitious. The Easter Bunny is mythical. I am a reality.
Mathew: Well, if you're going to quibble...
Helm: QUIBBLE!! The Easter Bunny is a fantasy concocted for children and brought to life in this film as a cute and cuddly teenage imbecile consumed by the desire to play drums in a band rather than fulfill his traditional duty! I am a very real, very ancient and very magical artifact that stands between this world and the tide of darkness that threatens to drown it! I am the helm of the Valhalladrim, the sacred headgear of-
Mathew: Yeah, yeah. Blah blah blah. Got it. But what did you think of the movie?
Helm: It was nearly as infuriating, incoherent and thoughtless as you are.
Mathew: So... you didn't like it then?
Mathew: Not even the part where the rabbit poops jelly beans?
Mathew: Not even the part with David Hasselhoff?
Mathew: This guy.
Mathew: Okay, fine. You don't have to yell.
One Flaming Sword!!
Two Flaming Swords!!
Helm: Two flaming swords? Are you daft.
Mathew: I liked when he pooped the jelly beans and I thought David Hasselhoff was funny.
Helm: But the plotting and story development were so sloppy!
Mathew: The bunny pooped jelly beans and then that one chick ate them. That's worth something in my book. And the little kids in the audience seemed to like it.
Helm: Yourself included.