and the Huntsman
2012 Universal Pictures. Directed by Rupert Sanders. Running time: 127 minutes. PG 13. Starring: Kristen Stewart, Chris Hemsworth, Charlize Theron and a bunch of fake dwarves
Helm: This film was enjoyable but, in the end, relatively pointless. One- dimensional good guys versus one-and-a-half-dimensional bad guys.
Mathew: I was focused on the enjoyable part.
Helm: You were focused on your gigantic tub of popcorn.
Mathew: You're a gigantic tub of popcorn!
Helm: Ouch. Such a clever response. You are nearly as clever as this film, which, to be painfully clear, means that you are not all that clever.
Mathew: I thought the film was pretty clever.
Helm: Yes. I rest my case.
Mathew: Look Helm, you've got to admit that it was a cool re-imagining of a classic fairy tale that added stunning visuals and layers of foreboding darkness. Like the mirror, and the crows and the magic valley.
Mathew: So, I don't get it. What are you complaining about then?
Helm: It was flat. The script was flat, the performances were flat and, worst of all, the ending was flat.
Mathew: Okay, I'll give you that the ending was kinda... uh...
Mathew: Lackluster. I was thinking lackluster. And not the whole ending, just the very ending of the ending.
Helm: Yes--especially the very ending of the ending. I do believe that this could have been a B-minus movie if it had ended more decisively.
Mathew: B-minus?! It could have been a B-plus or maybe even an A-minus!
Helm: You only say that because you are forced to grade on a curve because you yourself are a D-minus.
Mathew: A D-minus?!
Helm: You are surprised by my charity?
Mathew: I'm surprised by your...uh... dill-weed-ish-ness.
Helm: Ouch again.
Mathew: What about that huge charge on the beach, with the surf and the flaming balls and all that? You didn't find that rousing?
Helm: I was put off by the complete lack of strategy. Whoever wrote this movie has never participated in a siege nor, apparently, ever tried to stab an armored opponent at close range with an arrow. Although I would suppose that he had seen the movie The Fellowship of the Ring a dozen or so times too many. I do wish that fantasy writers and filmmakers would pay some slight attention to real world physics, the practicalities of battle and the expense of items like wine skins.
Mathew: Oh no. Here we go with the wine skin again.
Helm: It is simply ludicrous that a trained woodsman would discard not one, but two perfectly good wine skins just because they were empty! That's what people who were raised in an era of mass-production do, not what people who have to hand-make every single one of their possessions do! OH! It's infuriating!
Mathew: Nobody cares, Helm.
Helm: It is emblematic of what was wrong with this film.
Mathew: It's emblematic of you being a jerk-wad.
Two Flaming Swords!!
Three Flaming Swords!!
Helm: Your increasingly clever insults cut me to the very bone.
Mathew: You're a bone.