2011 Summit Entertainment. Directed by Paul W.S. Anderson. Running time: 142 minutes. PG13. Starring: Logan Lerman, Milla Jovovich, Matthew MacFadyen, Luke Evans, Ray Stevenson, Orlando Bloom, Christoph Waltz, Freddy Fox,
Helm: This film was a travesty. Dumas is rolling in his grave. They have taken so many liberties with the story that its virtue is completely compromised.
Mathew: I enjoyed it. It was a swashbuckling romp.
Helm: You are a hoddypeak.
Mathew: A hoddypeak?
Helm: A fool. A simpleton. A blockhead.
Mathew: Great. Look, Helm, you can't write this film off just by calling me names. It was fun!
1. Action (plenty).
2. A hot babe in her scanties (Mila Jovovich).
3. Sword fighting.
4. Sword fighting on rooftops.
5. Sword fighting with four guys versus a whole army.
6. Sword fighting while swinging from ropes.
7. A bad guy with an eye patch.
8. Ninja-super-spy gizmos.
9. Airships designed by Leonardo DaVinci.
10. Scubadiving dudes in armor.
11. Indiana Jones style traps.
Helm: STOP! STOP! I cry foul! 2, 5, 8, 9, 10 and 11 are not elements of The Three Musketeers! That is over half of the elements in question! I have read the book repeatedly. None of these things appear in it anywhere!
Mathew: So now you're going to split hairs about a few minor historical details?
Helm: SPLIT HAIRS?!?
Mathew: Dude. It is so rude to yell when you are talking telepathically. You're hurting my brain.
Helm: I question that you actually have any brain to injure.
Mathew: Look. So they played a little loosey-goosey with stuff. It was fiction to start with. It's not like the movie was called European History 101. It's not like the characters were real guys or anything.
Helm: It was historical fiction! HISTORICAL! Louis XIII was a "real guy". He was the king of France and known as Louis "the just". Far from the prancing mammothrept portrayed in the film, he was a wise and intelligent ruler, and though he may have been something of a gad, was also a fine and fearsome warrior. Cardinal Richelieu was a "real guy". Queen Anne of Austria was a-
Mathew: Blah blah blah.
Helm: Brilliant retort.
Mathew: The film was a re-imagining. Like a steampunk version of The Three Musketeers.
Helm: Then they should have re-imagined the title. Perhaps they could have called it The Steam Punketeers, or The Three Anachronists, or The Fake Past.
Mathew: Whatever, you spoilsport. What do you give the movie?
One and a half Flaming Swords!!
Three and a half Flaming Swords!!
Mathew: I didn't mind a little messing with the past.
Helm: Even if I could forgive that transgression, what of the casting of D'Artagnan? The shaggy headed child they used was inexcusable.
Mathew: I thought he did okay.
Helm: You thought Louis XIII was fictional.
Mathew: Touché. But it was still fun.
Helm: It was a trifle fun.