Battle Los Angeles
2011, Sony Pictures/Columbia Pictures. Directed by Jonathan Liebesman. Running time: 116 minutes. PG13. Starring: Aaron Eckhart, Michelle Rodriguez and Bridget Moynahan.
Helm: Good fighting in this film. It was highly enjoyable.
Mathew: That's your review?
Helm: I also appreciated that there were no romantic elements.
Mathew: So, good fighting, no romantic elements and that's a "must see" movie for you?
Helm: I did not indicate that readers must see this film, only that I enjoyed it. Were I to list other positive attributes, I would note that there was little whinning from any of the warrriors as they faced death and that the alien weaponry was impressively destructive.
Mathew: So, it didn't bother you that there was hardly any character development? It didn't bother you that the plot was ultimately predictable? It didn't bother you that there was a soldier with a pregnant wife, a soldier about to get married and a soldier about to retire? That's the Trifecta of cliches!
Helm: It did not. I liked when the thing blew up.
Mathew: Look, I'll admit that I enjoyed the movie. Once it got going, it never let up, which was a pretty good distraction from the thin plotline and thinner character arcs. But, and this is a big but, it had more logic holes than a piece of Swiss cheese and all the deeper meaning of a Cheeto.
Helm: You are right. You have a big butt. It is probably from eating too much Swiss cheese and too many Cheetos.
Mathew: You're like a mean ten year old, you know that? You can't begin to discuss the finer points of filmmaking and you always resort to cheap insults the second your lack of aesthetic sophistication is revealed.
Helm: I did not appreciate this film for its sophisticated aesthetics. I appreciated it for the blazing machineguns, the epic destruction and the honor and nobility of the warriors. These things stirred my soul. They made you squeal like a young girl.
Mathew: You're impossible. I don't know why I see movies with you.
Helm: Because no one else will go with you. You are a popcorn hog.
Three & a Half Flaming Swords!!
Two Flaming Swords!!